Letter to a Lover
by rosesandcandlewax
Summary: 'And if things go right, we'll never see each other again. I guess I'll just have to be okay with that. It'll take me a while, but I'll probably do it. In the meantime, I hope it's okay with you if, when I need them, I think of my memories with you.' AU.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto.

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To Neji:

I don't want to do this. But it looks like if I don't, I'll be up the whole fucking night, so here goes: I'm going to write you a letter, like some heartsick Victorian maid, because I'm too much of a coward to say these things to your face and I lost your number when I threw my phone into the Naka river two years ago. That was your fault; you wouldn't stop calling me.

Though that part was kind of my fault. I didn't really say much, that night I broke up with you, huh? I guess that's what I want to explain here. I'm not going to ask you to forgive me – this isn't about that – but I'm going to say that I was dumb, and I was sick, and I was scared. And I'm sorry. Look, I don't know if you could tell back then, and I know I never said it out loud – but I was really in love with you. Like really, fucking, would've-ripped-my-soul-out-for-you in love with you. That's why I broke up with you.

I know that sounds fucked up. Like everything else about me. Because, like I said, I was sick (still am, kind of, but it's getting better). And I think you knew it too, even if you never wanted to admit it. You probably didn't notice it at the beginning, at that really shitty concert where the stage collapsed and everyone ran and I was going to fall and get trampled, but you caught me. Do you remember that? Maybe you don't. Maybe, for you, the beginning was when I showed up at your house a week later with my leg in that cast, asking you to be the first (and last) one to sign it 'cause if it weren't for you, I would've been in a coffin instead.

I never wanted to die. I know you won't believe that. You didn't believe it that summer I was stupid enough to roll my sleeves up (too used to having you around, I guess) and you saw the scars. I saw the look in your eyes then, and later, when you found the others, and you had to close your eyes to press your lips to my skin. I always did wonder what was going through your mind when you did that. When I told you it was just a phase you just nodded. I think you wanted to believe it as much as I did. But I guess after you saw that, you couldn't miss the other things, and you started to realise just how sick I was. How sad I was. You should've left then.

And it took me way too long to realise you weren't going to; that you thought you could fix me; that you thought that, even if you couldn't, it was okay. Shit. When we held hands on top of Hokage Monument and I said I wondered what it'd feel like to jump (was I testing you? I don't know), you only held my hand tighter. It was like you'd made up your mind that you were going to shackle yourself to me, that you weren't going to leave, that if I fell you'd let yourself go down with me. Neji, that scared me shitless. That scared me so much that I finally ripped off my blinders and made myself see what I could do for you. Before that I only cared about what you did for me. I was so selfish. Can you blame me? You were…there. Next to me. When the monsters were closing in and I was at the edge, water licking at my legs, and there was no one else in the whole wide world – you were there. You were next to me. I was a cold, toxic thing and you held me. You'll never know how much that meant to me.

But like I said: I was a cold, toxic thing, and staying with me would have ruined you, Neji. Even then, even as you kept me afloat, I knew my monsters would never really go away. And one day, even you, too, would lose your strength and follow me down. I couldn't let that happen to you – I wouldn't. I loved you too fucking much Neji, okay? I just...loved you too much. And you were never meant for me. You were something I stole when I had nothing else, something I clung to as my emptiness threatened to drown me. I think I kind of knew, the whole time I was with you, that one day I'd have to give you back. Keeping you was a travesty; you had - have - so much more ahead of you than broken scraps like me, I always knew that. I guess it just took me a while to admit it to myself. But I did. And so I gave you back. To this day I still think it was the only thing I've ever done right with my life.

And there it is. There's what I needed to tell you - damning details and all.

So, tomorrow at graduation, I'm going to give this letter to you, and that'll be the end. I hope it's enough. I hope I got everything you wanted to know, and everything I couldn't tell you. I heard you're going off to Tokyo University next year – of course you got in, you're you. And I'm me. And if things go right, we'll never see each other again. I guess I'll just have to be okay with that. It'll take me a while, but I'll probably do it. In the meantime, I hope it's okay with you if, when I need them, I think of my memories with you. I know I shouldn't, but I can't really help it. You know, when it was snowing last winter, and I was cooped up in my freezing house, I thought of the snow angels we made by the Monument back then, and how we buried them afterwards so no one else could trample on the things we'd made. Valentine's Day a couple of weeks ago, I thought about the first time we fucked; how embarrassed you'd looked when you handed me roses; how I'd laughed at you to hide how touched I was; how afterwards, when we were done, you lay down next to me and kissed my wrist and looked into my eyes and told me that you loved me. I should have said it back.

Sorry. I'm rambling. I guess the only thing I have left to say is, thank you: for everything you've done, and for all the memories you've left for me. I hope you find happiness. If anyone deserves it, it's you.

Goodbye,  
Tenten

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Torn between leaving it there, or writing an epilogue. Tell me what you think.

- rosesandcandlewax


End file.
